Puritanism

The only thing blander than their outfits is their lives

For a school of thought that believes in the existence of a giant man in the sky controlling everything, a creepy man living in the center of the Earth who sends out his magical servants to seduce the well-intentioned people of the world who are trying their best to survive in the harsh wilderness of a new continent, Puritanism is really boring. Probably my least favorite of the -isms. Why? Well,  Because puritanism is bland. If it was a cookie, it would be oatmeal. If you asked it what animal it would be if it could be an animal, it would just respond that people are animals. They're vanilla. And do you wanna know why they're so boring? Well here's their explanation:

When God created everything, he set aside a certain number of people who would be the elect. They were the only ones who went to Heaven. Everyone else went to Hell. The elect are elect from the moment they're born until they die, when they go to Heaven to chill out in the world's most exclusive nightclub. Puritans live a pious life, in order to prove that they're the elect. This means that they forego earthly pleasures, and fervently worship God.

Did anyone follow that logic? There are more holes in it than a game of Mario Golf. First, if the elect are already elect, why do they live a pious life? They're already going to Heaven. And if they aren't, they're already going to Hell. If they knew that they had no choice in the matter, why wouldn't they just spend their short time on Earth in a haze of alcohol and cake? Being nice isn't going to make them elect. Heck, the odds of Mother Teresa going to Heaven under this system are very low. Is Susan B. Anthony in Hell right now? Maybe she'll meet Ghandi while she's down there. They can start a book club.

"I, for one, thought that Jo and Laurie belonged together."

 Also, what's up with this specific amount of elect people? How awesome are these people. God took the time out to look through everyone, ever, and picked out like, 183 people who he thought were awesome? I mean, I guess that if he's gonna spend the rest of eternity with them, he's gonna want to know who they are. But then at the same time, if he already picked out all of the elect people, why wait for them to be born, then die? Why not just put them all in Heaven right now? Are they staggered so they get a new person in there every 100 years or something? Also, is there like some kind of affirmative action plan for Heaven? Are they going to include members of minority groups and women? Because if not, God's looking at one hell of a lawsuit. Is God a racist?

Here's a fun party game: when in a room full of people, drop a crucifix on the floor. When someone rushes to pick it up, you've got yourself a puritan. Sometimes there's more than one, and that's when things get really excited, because what you're about to witness is the most passive aggressive fighting ever. Because both puritans want to be the one to pick the cross up off the floor, but neither wants to seem presumptuous and beat the other one to it. Instead, they'll cordially greet each other. Here's a transcript of a casual conversation between two puritans.

1: Hello fellow puritan, how are you enjoying the party?

2: I am not enjoying it, fellow puritan, because I love nothing greater than my lord and savior Jesus Christ. (At this point they'll probably both draw a cross on themselves out of respect for their Jesus)

1: I see you were about to pick up this crucifix off of the floor.

2: Indeed I was, I noticed this flagrant disrespect for our one and only Father in Heaven (Another cross) and decided to take it upon myself to rectify the situation.

1: How noble of you! However, it would be remiss of me to leave all of the work to you, allow me to lift the burden from your shoulders.

2: Oh, no, I couldn't impose. It would be my pleasure to pick this up off of the floor, but not as much pleasure as I get from worshiping my light and sun Jesus. (Cross)

1: God will surely recognize your offer.

2: God will recognize me picking this crucifix off of the floor.

(At this point there should be a few seconds of intense eye-contact, before 1 backs down)

1: Well, if you want to pick up the crucifix from the floor, by all means I will allow you to do so. Sacrifice is a trait of the elect.

It may not seem like it, but that was a heated fight. They were a second away from tearing each other's bowl cuts out of their heads. Drinks would be thrown.

The Real Housewives of Salem

This is why puritanism sucks.

Take careful note of how many times God or Jesus was mentioned in that discourse. THEY NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR RELIGION. They gotta bring up God in every conversation. You know. Just in case you forgot how elect they are. They're so elect guys. SO DANG ELECT. Except they won't say that they're elect. They just hint at it. Like they're trying to get you to ask about their new diet or something. Except instead of their diet, they're implying that you're going to Hell and they aren't. For a school of thought so dedicated to being nice, they sure are vicious. There's actually an acronym invented to explain their beliefs.

Total Heredity Depravity: Sins are passed down from father to son, and people are inherently evil. In other words, that time that your dad ran a red light? That's on you, you scum.

Unconditional Election: It's already decided where you'll end up when you die. (Hint: It's probably Hell)

Limited Atonement: Jesus didn't die for the sinners. Which is odd, because then why the hell did he die? Wasn't dying for sinners the whole point.

Irresistible Grace: The elect can't lose their elect status. The Holy Spirit gave it to them directly. So, on the plus side, they get to go to Heaven. On the downside, they never quite get over being molested by a ghost as a child.

Perseverance of the Saints: The elect will persevere to the end. Everybody else just kind of…I don't really know.

Tulips, coincidentally, destroyed the Dutch economy in the 1600s.

If you ask me, I'm pretty sure that Puritanism was only as successful as it was because it became a thing in the early stages of America. People were dumb back then, because they didn't have vaccines or antibiotics or anything like that. Also because the pilgrims, who were the biggest advocates of puritanism, lived in the middle of the woods. Their life sucked. They wanted to feel special, so they invented a big game where they were the elect and they were going to Heaven, but everybody else wasn't because if everybody else was it wouldn't be as special.

I hate puritans, but I'm pretty sure each one of them hates themselves more than I ever could. Why else would they put themselves through such a difficult trial?

1 star,  because 5 stars are for the elect.